
today i’ll buy no sorrow

today i’ll buy no sorrow
“No, bumptious reader, this story is not a continuation of the Elsie series. But if your Elsie had lived over here in our big city there might have been a chapter in her books not very different from this.
Especially for the vagrant feet of youth are the roads of Manhattan beset “with pitfall and with gin.”
But the civic guardians of the young have made themselves acquainted with the snares of the wicked, and most of the dangerous paths are patrolled by their agents, who seek to turn straying ones away from the peril that menaces them.
And this will tell you how they guided my Elsie safely through all peril to the goal that she was seeking.”

Epic groundscore in West Hollywood. My reasearch has led me to surmise these pages fell from this O. Henry here. Oh, Elsie and O. Henry. The perils! The parody. I love that this literally fluttered into my lap on my rooftop(ground) in WeHo.
instead of last year’s things i don’t enjoy, let’s see it from another view.
talking to strangers
mornings
animals
dressing myself up
pretty clothings
rings
tidepools
traveling by car, preferably solo
imagining the lives of everyone around me
empathy
writing by hand in pen
ASMR videos
styling and plaiting hair
headphones while crafting
radio while writing
weird signs
observing
remnants of lives before
abandoned areas, houses, trinkets
learning by doing
solving word puzzles
words
salty taste
mythological creatures
forest critters
scary movies
dumb and dumber
bizarre humor
weird twitter
barefootedness
tattoos
tiny projects
belljar worlds
dioramas
learning to speak lydia.
i’ve got it.
One of the things that got me comfortable with my body was the chance to own it.
Because I get tiny symbols on my skin it doesn’t mean I disrespect my body. On the contrary, I highlight places that mean something to me. A place that catches light often. A body part I want to love more. A symbol that documented a change in how I treated myself. An homage to how I see time, the world, an inside joke with myself, a self-bestowed body embellishment lacking shame and guilt.
I took parts that hurt, scared parts, doll-perfect parts. But in the end: the best Ownership of a scar that which is uncomfortable and that I try to accept. I go to a specialist to work on my inner self, but my outer self is what I decide based on those realizations. In my tattoos, I am discreet, loving, and decorating my vessel, my body, how I want at a certain point. Sleep on it or be spontaneous–you must realize that everything on our skin is as permanent as the choices we make.
Many are uncomfortable with visual representations because they are just that: visual. Confronting us. But if you can own your choices and life and get something that flows with your heart and aesthetic and soul at the moment you need it: own it. It’s a ‘scar’ you choose. It’s your body canvas and your urge. The truth is: nothing is forever here. Our choices and decisions are more defining than a piece of body art. And a little ink is a beautiful thing.
finally a freedom
from living under others, carrying houses like a snail.
away from hiding, hearing, hurting:
it’s great to be alone.
un.lonely, not unloved.
not unloveable, not I.
but on a road and on a trail.
happy trails, i’m hearing me.
i throw the un from the window as i roll on,
and lo!
there are those parts others cannot hear,
whispering the secrets i’ve always known,
to my upturned, eager ear.
in the land of kudzu and old cars
the rain is a comfort
and the green is a taste.
the hills roll like days
for days
ahead, always to come.
the sun will emerge, through the leaves
and the birds sing all day
and the thunder, all night.
It was like any other late September Los Angeles day. After a heat wave, there was a calm purr of cooling, the air taking a deep breath that was kind to us and kind to all manner of weather patterns.
I heaved myself up as best I could with my brace cutting into the waking flesh of my back. Two pills, and a glass of water later found me ready to snap a little leash onto my little dog’s collar. She, Ruby, perched hopefully on the arm of a sofa.
Treats and bags in hand, we were off on our 15 minute constitutional, winding up a tall staircase and down a slight decline. I saw no one, ever, save a passing car, and knew all the 12 vehicles I would see parked along the route. Until I mounted the last hill. Up ahead in an illegal spot sat an old, clean car. Spotless.
The old Mercedes was one of the early 90’s boxy sedans, maroon with big, silver accents. The tinted windows were dark and large, their hue made the figure sleeping in the back almost drenched in a patina, a relic from twenty years ago frozen in slumber. Even the sunlight warmed to a nostalgic glow, humming dustily on the leather seats.
I didn’t want to get too close so I kept on, and nearly forgot about it until I embarked up the stairs the following day.
Like an awaiting friend, its flat, metallic underpinnings seemed to anticipate my arrival as I crested the hill.
The figure was still sleeping, although it had turned the other way and I could see the face of a boy, a teen, his eyelashes long and fanning out as I saw them from my vantage point. He had a long, thin nose and soft lips slightly parted, in repose. His face was colored orange from the setting sun through the window and where the tint darkened near the window edges, his light hair became almost blue. A moment from another era, a photograph already changing color. I walked on, tugged past by my dog, and vowed to look closer if it was there tomorrow. Maybe I’d tap on the door, see if he was alright. I turned again. There was no license plate.
I didn’t forget this time, that night, and wondered if he was sick or a runaway. He seemed clean shaven and not gaunt. Maybe a lover’s quarrel or a journalist on assignment. My theories were numerous.
I got ready for my walk and grabbed a little plastic water jug, maybe he’d be grateful for it.
I rounded the bend and the hill and the car was gone. I stood and watched an ant scurry across an old oil stain where the car had been. One of those large, heavy, black ants. A few gardeners walking past were watching me watching the ground. Ruby was pulling on her leash to greet them, so I turned and walked home.
big news from a little girl
no cobwebs in corners here
only shadows
aspirating in the
candlelight.
our secret’s kept in
napkinrings
slipped under weighty
tables, through
eager fingertips.
nightly surge of unspoken things
cool glance warm
parlor
hidden touches on
those dark stairs
laughter from the
warmth below
like cold stars in the sky
we see all from up high
and burn hotly above
where no one can touch our love.
Anger and pain are two seperate things. Born of fear perhaps, but totally different beasts.
Hurting, as with a wound, may heal. It is pain and may also cause anger and outlash before it scars.
But anger comes from inside, and doesn’t heal with time. Anger, like a bomb, needs to be diffused by a professional, taken apart bit by bit to see its components before it explodes and maims all surrounding it.